The pain you’re feeling after the break up is probably the worst thing ever. But it also opens the door to something so much better.





My recent break up has been the most painful experience of my life. I went through depression and even hurt myself physically.
Since then I’ve read tons of books on relationships and self-love. I tried various healing practices. Slowly, I started emerging out of it, feeling more positive and in control of my life. Despite occasional lows, I can now objectively look at my relationship and notice all the lessons.

Because no matter how much pain I felt, it was one of the most valuable lessons of my life, and for that I am, and always will be, grateful.

I strongly believe that every experience in our lives happens for a reason. There is always something we are meant to learn, or teach.
Intimate relationships are a very special kind of such experiences. They are what gives us the deepest pleasure, but also what causes the most acute pain. These are the moments in which everything we were trying to hide about ourselves will come up. Any limiting belief, any self-doubt, any fear. Both about you and about him.
Every relationship will experience difficulties once that starts happening. And it will start. This is the nature of relationships. It doesn’t make them bad, it just makes them valuable for our growth.

There is nothing you can do about it.

But what you can do, is choose how to react. We have free will and nobody can force us to do anything. So it is your choice whether you’re going to embrace it and face your inner demons, or not.

Life will keep giving us the same lesson over and over again, until we get it.

So if you choose you don’t want it, that you’d rather keep hiding your shadows inside you and live as nothing ever happened, than you will likely find your current relationship inconvenient, and so you will end it.

You will shortly after get in a new relationship, but to your surprise, this will soon become inconvenient for you too. And unless you make a decision to accept your lesson, this will keep happening in your life over and over again.

And some people live like this. This is their choice. Everybody has their own path and we need to respect that.

My ex lives like this. It is his choice.

It took me a while to understand that. He didn’t try much in the relationship, if it meant going outside of his comfort zone. We didn’t grow together. And when we finally broke up, he started dating a new girl only few weeks after.

In the beginning I took it personally. I though that it all never mattered to him, and was not important. That I was not important.

But now I understand that it has nothing to do with me. It is his decision whether he takes life’s challenges as opportunities to grow or not. He chose the way of safety and comfort. The less painful one. And there is nothing wrong about that.

But I decided otherwise. I though to myself: If I wasn’t strong enough to face this pain, then I wouldn’t have been given this experience. I can do it. And I will emerge stronger, more in line with my true essence, and happier.

The path isn’t always easy. It’s painful. To the point where you feel like breaking and you lose any hope of getting better. But it will get better. I can promise you this, because I’ve experienced it.

There is a beautiful analogy in Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth (which, if you haven’t read, please do – it’s going to change how you look at life).

Imagine you have a thorn in your arm. Whenever you or somebody else touches it, it hurts.
So you have two choices. You can either protect the thorn so it doesn’t get touched, or you can simply tear it out. The second option makes more sense. Yes, you will feel pain taking the thorn out, but then it will be gone forever and once it’s healed, you will feel no pain and will never have to worry about it again.

The problem is that a lot of people choose the first option. They protect their thorn. They design their whole lives around it. And they don’t realise that they become the victims and slaves to that thorn.

We all have such thorns in us. We all fear not being loved or accepted. And so we will avoid situations that can make us feel just that.

For long I was an example of such behaviour. For 27 years of my life I avoided, and never got into an intimate relationship. I felt much more in control being single. I didn’t have to risk becoming vulnerable and getting hurt by somebody I cared about.

But if you do that, you are pushing away the most beautiful experiences in your life.

Imagine that you have that physical thorn in your arm. You have to avoid crowds, small places or moving too much. You limit your life and how much you can experience it just to make sure that no one ever touches the thorn.

So after my break up I had a choice to make. I had my thorn in me. And it got touched and pushed and twisted causing a horrible pain. I could then decide to cover it and run away from anything that could touch it. I could have pretended that I’m strong and nothing happened. I could have also jumped right into the next relationship. Or, I could have chosen not to break up at all and stay in the mediocre relationship.

But I chose to get that thorn out of me.

I feel much lighter now. I understand my needs and wants so much better. And I’m building strength to ask and get it (which I wouldn’t do before fearing he would take away his love). Most of all, I am learning to be myself. To fully accept myself. And to love myself.

The next relationship I’ll have is not going to be based on a fear. It’s not going to be based on any needs. It will be based purely on love. But unless you choose to tear the thorn out, you will never be able to experience that.

Just because the process is painful, don’t run from it. Don’t let it stop you from experiencing something amazing. And never let your ex partner decide this path for you. Somebody who didn’t know how to appreciate you is not the person you should give away your lesson for.

Remember, everything is duality. There is dark and there is light. There is day and there is night. There is pain, and there is love.

We need to understand that every experience comes with both. Don’t run away from the bad, because you will be running away from the good, too. Embrace both.

Stay strong, continue your journey. You’ve come so far already. Don’t give up now. Don’t go back. Just a bit longer and you will finally wake up strong and full of love like never before.

If you’re hurting now, I know it’s tough. I know that when the pain gets so strong, you would do anything to stop it. Anything – including suicide.

I was there not long time ago. I still sometimes feel the pain and anger. But I already feel so much better.

If I had a chance to go back and eliminate my pain – I wouldn’t. Because I needed it to believe in myself and that I deserve better. We all need to believe that we deserve the best. Otherwise we will stay in bad relationship never feeling worthy enough.

This is your time, your journey. Embrace it. You are on your way towards something beautiful and amazing and I’m so happy for you. I’m with you in this journey. And if you ever need support or somebody to listen to, you can always email me.

With love,

Magda Kay

21 Comments

  • ashwin n

    Reply Reply May 22, 2014

    I must say that this blog post has been one of the most thought provoking and honest blogs that I have ever read, you are an incredible person and you will be with someone who will care and be there for you, wishing you all the luck and happiness possible.

  • Sara

    Reply Reply May 30, 2016

    Thank you Magda for being such an amazing soul.

    I like this passage “The next relationship I’ll have is not going to be based on a fear. It’s not going to be based on any needs. It will be based purely on love.”.

    A simple, and therefore powerful concept.
    I am going through the same pain and I can recognise my feelings in your words. It is a big pain. I have recently read the comic novel “Persepolis” by Mariana Satrapi: it is a sort of autobiography, a story of a young Iranian girl growing up in the 80s. You have in the background the story of a country, its people and a family devastated by violence, death, unrest and the young Mariana suffering for months depression because a unhappy ending love story.

    Also strong, successful strong characters suffer pain due to a break up. This is so powerful and revelatory.

    Thank you Magda for being able to help me through this path.

    Love,
    Sara

    • dodyd

      Reply Reply March 20, 2017

      Sara, thank you for sharing. Stay strong, everything will be well in the end. Much love

  • Toby Palmer

    Reply Reply March 16, 2017

    Thank you for adding this for thew world to see.

    I am less than a week in to painful breakup which I knew was coming for a long time, and thought I was ready for it. How wrong I was.

    The pain is horrendous. unbearable at times, and seems no-ending. She has already started dating after a week to, and that just adds to the pain.

    I can’t see out of the fog. The whole world seems to be living, and moving around me at an alarmingly fast rate, and I seem stood still, moving in slow motion. Fighting the tears back hourly and just wanting to crawl up in a ball and switch my mind off.

    I’ve copy and pasted your words in to an email to myself to read whenever things get really tough.

    Thank you again. Taking things one hour at a time here. Hoping one day someone will appreciate how much love I have to give them.

    T xx

  • Katelyn

    Reply Reply October 11, 2017

    I can’t cope with the pain of my break up. Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can’t sleep without the sleeping pills. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

    • Geoffrey

      Reply Reply December 5, 2017

      Katelyn –

      There are many of us all to familiar with your pain. My breakup happened is September while I was in the hospital no less. I immediately lost almost 20 pounds and struggled with sleep and eating. I immediately turned my focus to God. He has gently guided me through the last 10 weeks showing his love and grace. I’m not saying it is easy because I still struggle, but if you take care of yourself, the pain will subside a little more with each passing day….trust me, self love will help immensely…

  • Chris

    Reply Reply January 4, 2018

    The pain is unfathomable. My girlfriend broke up with 3 months ago when she moved her first year in a University, since then I’ve been workingout, getting closer to God. God has honestly comforted me in so many ways! However I’m still immensely hurt, and not a day goes by that I dont think of her. She was in town for a week, insane her it was great at first, she cried and we cuddled. However next day she told me she doesn’t want to do that and wants to stay single. Broke my heart again idk what to do, I get suicidal thoughts at times, but I know it wont help anything. She went and saw someone else in my town actually. This hurts so bad, I like to veleive this is all happening for a great reason..

  • Michelle Webb

    Reply Reply February 7, 2018

    I broke up with my long distance relationship because he don’t want our relationship to go further. His reason is all about my negative personality. Means he did not accept me as who I am. We already in 2years and we also experiencing ups and down. After the break up I really feel depress This is my first heartbreak. I never into relationship before. I tried my best to get him back but seems he wont. So I stop and find my best version of myself. I have learned a lot of lessons which I can apply in everyday life. Sometimes I really feel pain and my motivation is if there is no PAIN or experience then you will never improve yourself.

  • Shan

    Reply Reply February 21, 2018

    Just what I needed to hear. It’s unnerving when you give all your power away. When you fully realize that you and you alone are prolonging the pain because you’re scared. Because you can’t imagine your life without someone who , in reality has given you very little. This need to fix them or it will drain you. This is me , empty but sitting on the shelf having just made the decision to stop. I already feel lighter. I’m 4 months into a breakup. With casually seeing him , of course when he wants , I had no say. I realized that I did have the choice and I wasn’t moving forward , I was sitting in mud and drowning…… it’s hard , so fucking hard but it will pass. I hope.

  • Fiona

    Reply Reply February 28, 2018

    We all will feel better at the end of the day. Nothing is so hard that we couldn’t overcome. I always believe that. Life is full of adventure, sometimes we might not be able to understand the pain we had. But when we meet someone wonderful in the future, we will know everything was worth it.

  • Jyotirmoyo Patnaik

    Reply Reply April 10, 2018

    The most suprising thing is once you made them feel so special cared so much made them the centre of your world and they too said that nothing can separate us but no matter how tough the situation is they dont even try to save the relationship they simply walk off and the most painful part is they put the blame on us. We are already in ashock seeing them go and this blame makes us feel guilty and every every every second is a hell. Just everything seems dark and do not know weather I will be happy ever again. She is happy dating a sucessfull guy and i am happy for her and respect her decision but the way she made me feel worthless.

    • Carrie

      Reply Reply April 26, 2018

      I can definitely relate to this. I was given a promise ring, with the promise of marriage one day. A “you’re the only one I want to be with. You’re it for me”. We talked about marriage and babies and our future home together. And within a few days, his feelings changed and I was out of his life. Told through text he wasn’t happy. It hurts. I am feeling your pain. It’s hard to feel like there’s happiness out there to be found, because the world feels so dark.

  • Sasha

    Reply Reply April 26, 2018

    I just went through a recent breakup and it hurts so much. We were together for 5 and a half years. I feel like death and there’s a sharp pain in my chest. I have no energy and day to day I just want to stay in bed and cry..

    I dont know what to do. I feel helpless. Please help me.

    • Nirva

      Reply Reply May 9, 2018

      Hey, i went through a horrible breakup recently as well. I’m here if you want to talk and get those feelings out. :)

  • Carrie

    Reply Reply April 26, 2018

    I was broken up with yesterday, in the middle of the day while at work. I was supposed to move in with him, 1 1/2 hours away from my friends and family, this weekend. I had quit my job, found a new one and had my life packed up in boxes ready to go. He told me he wasn’t happy and that he didn’t think he would be. I asked him a week ago if he wanted me to look for an apartment up there instead, and he said no. He had kids that I loved, and now I’ll never see them again. Now we’re over, I have no job and no home. I am completely broken.

    It’s hard to read these posts and hear how things will get better when you’re in such a dark place. When your heart is so hurt that there couldn’t possibly be a reason to smile anymore. When you know they’re out there living life and not in the same kind of pain you are.

    I’m not sure if anyone will see this, but just know I’m going through the same pain, and mine is as fresh as fresh can be, so if you need to vent and just talk about the hard things. I’m here.

    • Char

      Reply Reply June 9, 2018

      I am hoping things are getting better?? Im in a dark familiar place and sick of coming here.

  • Broken

    Reply Reply May 1, 2018

    Carrie, Sasha,

    Hang in there.
    The next few months are gonna be the darkest, most difficult periods of your life. Prepare yourself for this. It is going to hurt. You’d probably find out more details about the breakup that could potentially hurt you even more. Prepare your heart for this. It’s a little like preparing for a thunderstorm, we know it’s gonna be bad, so we store enough supplies and let it pass.
    Remember that it’ll be difficult to genuinely enjoy life for the next few months to a year (depending on how long you guys were together). So instead of letting this period of life go a waste, work on getting physically fit (if that was something you’ve always wanted to get to), learn that new musical instrument, learn that new language, get that Master’s degree, travel to that City you’ve been thinking about, read all those books you kept wanting to, hang out with all those friends you lost touch with, get dance lessons, etc. At the end of a year or a little over, you don’t want to feel that you lost a year doing nothing, feeling depressed. Keep sometime off every day, to grieve, cry, write if needed. I’m 6 months into my breakup and it’s gotten better than day 1, but I’ve a long way to go.

    • jim

      Reply Reply May 29, 2018

      Broken,
      just broke up with my wife of 8 years and two kids 3 and 5. She wanted to break up but hasnt really given any real reason for doing so. I will have the children 4 days a week and i look at them every day and get upset for whats ahead of them that they didnt ask for. I kmow ill get through this but i will never understand why this happened because my wife doesnt want to talk about it. It hurts but i keep reminding myself its the pain i need to develop and grow. I will make myself happy again and if someone comes along then fine but ill never get into a relationship to look for happiness and if the love is not felt then i will walk away. Learning new things is the way i will deal with the empty days starting with guitar that i never had time for you gave great advice

  • Sasha

    Reply Reply May 24, 2018

    It’s been a week since he broke up with me. This comes shortly after he’d asked to get back with him even i was resistant in the beginning knowing what our previous relationship had brought me. He promised so much and so consistently that in the end i ended up agreeing to another chance at the relationship against my better judgement. In the 3 month period since march i actually ended up falling for him again and last week Wednesday he calls and breaks up with me out of the blue saying he is not happy. I’m more disappointed than hurt in this break up because i can easily say i saw it coming but still allowed myself to fall for him. It still sucks to be feeling this knowing all what he promised and the fact that I believed him.

  • shweta saronja

    Reply Reply June 30, 2018

    i need your help regarding breakup also got jobless after breakup m not able to control anything m trying but still not able to control

  • em

    Reply Reply July 19, 2018

    I am so grateful for these words.

    I loved him more than I loved myself. I still do. We found each other in a country that was foreign to me but where he called home. I moved there for my job and fell in love with him serendipitously. I had no friends there, no family, no one, but him. I was in a very toxic work environment; I didn’t enjoy my job. He truly was the only and best thing that had happened to me there. I was wholly dependent on him, and he didn’t like that. He wanted us to lead separate lives (while still dating).

    Constantly, I fought for his time and attention. At times he would see me once a month while he met with friends 2-3 times per week. We met only when it was convenient for him. I served as a gap-filler. He promised me much – we’d watch a musical together, go to the museum, take a trip somewhere. All things I wanted to do but he was never interested to and didn’t put in the effort to materialise them. All lip service. He wouldn’t put in effort into our relationship or do anything for me which was of inconvenience. Yet he would go to the ends of the earth for his iPhone X, tech gadgets and sports car. Still, I loved him so much that if he gave me an inch, I would have given him a mile. Or ten.

    My workplace became overbearing, I had no choice but to leave my job which meant leaving the country. He didn’t fight for me to stay but was open to LDR. I was worried but he kept assuring that we would be okay despite the distance. I was only a 45 minute flight away. If in the same country he struggled to give me time, what more when we were apart. He constantly said we would be okay.

    Barely a month into LDR, it’s like he flipped a switch and called it off. He didn’t want to do long distance. He has past experiences and it didn’t work. I don’t know why back then he lied to me saying things would be okay. It has shaken my world and I feel paralysed. I have never felt pain like this before. It’s overbearing. I just want it to stop. But it never stops. When I think I’m getting a little better, the pain swallows me up again. It’s consuming. Everything about me has changed. For the worse. This is so much pain. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything I loved. The hurt is too much. How can one love so little?

    But now I know that this is him. He’s carefree, he’s happy-go-lucky. He doesn’t like drama. He would never lift a finger for me. He dislikes inconvenience. He never made time for me. Life is like a party for him because his life *was* a party. He would never sacrifice anything for me. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and I kept doing things out of *my* comfort zone for him but it was never enough. All went unnoticed.

    You are right to say that some people choose this path. He wanted things easy. He didn’t want to grow. He wanted to remain in his comfort zone. He only wanted to take the road most traveled. This is his choice.

    I thank you for helping me understand. It doesn’t make the heartache any easier. But it helps me to think differently. Now I know it’s not me. Nor is it him. It’s just the desire for an easy life.

    This was my first relationship. I had not known pain like this could exist. Now it breaks my heart even more knowing that there are others too hurting like this. I wish no one has to feel this way.

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