“I felt nothing…”





Through all my life I had problems with men… from “outside” I always looked as going out and having fun with boys, but inside I was always feeling deep sadness and loneliness… I was always waiting for someone who can bring me joy and happiness.. who will save me from daily routine.. who will take care of me and put all responsibility for my life on his shoulders… I tried to fill deep hole in my soul with relationships and affairs, which were never really happy and sustainable… and every time my relationships broke, I felt more sad, and emptiness inside me only grew. And to keep this emptiness full of illusion, I held on every man, I couldn’t let go, I never forgot and refused to forgive.. I couldn’t find a clue what should I do to let go and forgive each of my man, who I know were in my life by very strong reason with very important lesson for my soul.

It took me several years, weeks of tears and tons of heart pain to start step by step, story by story, to see their role in my life. Each story, every line is absolute truth and I want to share it with the intention of helping you find your own clue for your stories and start letting go….

Those memories are about a man who was in my heart for many years and who played a huge role in my life with a huge pain that followed each lesson… Once my friend called me and she was in a huge depression, we were talking about treatment and how doctors advised her to use medicine. Depression is a condition when you don’t have feelings and you don’t have desires. And I shared with her that for many years I was in depression and she asked me if I took medicine… And I answered.. “You know, I never took it. I didn’t need it. I had HIM as my antidepressant pills”…

* * *

I felt nothing when I lost my cat… I thought life is long and its just animal…
I felt nothing when I lost my unborn baby…. I thought, its destiny… And I can give birth more times…
I don’t remember what I felt when I lost my father, but I remember that I thought how stupid I was that I didn’t touch his hand when I saw him last time..

When I lost my husband I felt nothing…
When I almost lost my life in a terrible car accident, I felt nothing….
But when I lost YOU I felt everything I didn’t allow myself to feel for all these years…

I felt total emptiness as when I felt when I realized that I couldn’t do anything to safe my unborn baby…

I felt guilt as when I felt when I realized how much more I could do to help my father overcome his illness…

I felt desperate as when the door closed behind my husband after 8 years of being together…

But also when I lost you I felt relief and hope as when I was flying in the air 10 meters high in my car praying for my life….

When I lost you I felt as lonely as when I was laying in the hospital bed trying to find the words to explain my daughter that her sister decided to go directly to heaven..

I felt as guilty as when the phone kept silence for weeks and I start realizing all mistakes I made in my family life..

I felt as desperate and angry when I finally realized I would never touch my father’s hand again…

I was loving you for years… Silently, loudly, crazy, angry, speechless and talking… Crying, coming through thousands of kilometers just to see you and keeping distance for months… For all these years I unsuccessfully tried to understand why it happens to me and what should I learn from loving you..

And only after I lost you, I got a message…. I started to feel… I became alive… As much alive as I was after leaving completely crashed car, laying on the grass, looking into the sky and feeling total gratitude… As much as I feel now to you for that you left me….. As much as I totally and clearly see my lesson – to value all I have when I still have it and not when I loose it…. You were my antidepressant pills… Thank you

Elena Makarova

Elena Makarova

Elena’s mission is to help people live life fully and with purpose. She is a professional trainer, facilitator and coach with main focus on people’s potential to be happy and mindful in business life as well as in private life. She is a natural healer and a counselor, helping her clients to identify life lessons and see signs and big picture in their lives. Elena is using different tools in her practice – Reiki and Multi Channel Energy Medicine, Angel Reading, System Constellations, Reflections, Past Life Regression and others. Her source of inspiration and spark of wisdom is in studying Kabbala. And her motto is constant learning experience, which is following us everywhere. https://www.facebook.com/JourneyToYourWonderland

2 Comments

  • Anonymous

    Reply Reply April 15, 2014

    Superb. Just amazing.

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