Brave Belle: The pain of a break up

The pain of a break up




When you are the one who still has feelings… The one who hasn’t moved on… while he started dating somebody new. This is the story of that pain.

As I write this, tears are dripping down my cheeks…

I’m 28. Last year I met an amazing guy. I fell in love. It was the first time I was ever in love, and first time I ever started a relationship. It took me so long to start believing that I can have love.
He did it all. He made it safe for me. He loved me. The most beautiful feeling ever.

But it ended almost as abruptly as it started. Just like I could feel very strongly in my heart how much he loved me, I could feel that he stopped caring. He became cold. Stopped telling me he loved me.. Stopped touching me…

I knew it didn’t make sense to be together, but I didn’t want to let go. I always remembered the good times, so good… I wanted it back.

Finally it got so cold between us, that there was no other way. We decided to split.

Though I was the one who pushed for the break up, I was also the one who broke. He seemed very cool with the decision, barely moved. For me a big part of my life was ending, for him it seemed as he was choosing which restaurant to go. No emotions at all…

We still had a trip planned in a couple of week, for New Year’ Eve. We decided to go.
It was in Bali. We booked a romantic villa… I though I can do it just as friends. I was wrong…

Being so close to him, in such a magical place, brought a lot of feelings back. I didn’t have the answer. I didn’t want to get back together, I knew how different we are. And yet I missed him. I longed for him to hold me, to kiss me…

One night he made a move. I was really surprised. But I went with it. And we had sex in this old, passionately, purely for pleasure way.
I remember that he didn’t kiss me. Not even once. It was pure body-to-body experience. I knew something had broken and it was not coming back. His heart was close.

On that trip my emotions finally took over and I burst into tears. I realized this was really over. He did not want me back.

We then talked and what followed broke my heart into million pieces…

I asked him if he slept with somebody in the recent month. And he said yes. In less than a week after we broke up, he already slept with another woman. And that was before we went for our trip.

I never imagined I could feel so much pain. It was as something was sucking my heart, pulling it out of my chest and I wasn’t strong enough to protect it. I can’t describe it. But it was probably the worst thing I ever felt.

After we came back I went into a severe depression. I have never in my life felt such a pain. The emotional pain became a very real physical pain. I could feel my heart breaking… I could feel a black hole in my chest that I couldn’t fill with anything. My heart was so shattered there were no pieces to put back together.

Day after day… I just lied in my bed crying, not being able to move. I was exhausted. I stopped eating. I stopped seeing my friends. I was so consumed by pain. It got so bad that I tried to cut myself – only to distract myself from my emotions. I lost control over it. I begged for it to stop. I would have done anything to stop it. That included taking my own life…

I was desperately searching for help.

And I finally found it. I started doing energy healing with a lovely woman. It helped. It was the only thing that helped..

She helped me understand why I felt this pain. And maybe for the first time in my life made me aware how I invite situations to my life; how I am responsible for things.

See, the truth is, I never loved myself. I thought I didn’t deserve good, I was not worthy of love. I didn’t even know what love was.

When we are in such a state, we can never attract love to our lives. What I attracted – him – was the opposite. It was the experience to mirror what my beliefs were.

I realized he never loved me – because I didn’t love myself. He never told me I was beautiful, nor made me feel beautiful – because I didn’t think I was beautiful. And when he finally stopped loving me, he proved me right – I didn’t deserve love.

I started working on overcoming all these beliefs I had about myself. And it started to work. I started feeling fresh and happy again. Happy to be who I am, where I am.

Then something happened.

I’ve had a bit more downs recently. I don’t know why but my head filled with thoughts of him again. I started missing him. Hoping there is a way for us to get back together. It’s been 4 months since the break up… Clearly I haven’t moved on.. There was something in me that was not ready to let go of him.

And this is where the hit came.

I found out he is seeing someone.

Less than a week to sleep with somebody…. less than 4 months to find another girlfriend…

I felt so disrespected. So hurt. Betrayed. And stupid. Cause here I am in tears again, crawling in my bed not able to walk, while he is happy with somebody else.

Here I am turning my own life into pain, day after day, by not letting go of him. While he is happy with somebody else.

And I know her. I met her while we were together. He must have liked her long before we broke up.

I told him once that it really hurts to know that it took him less than 2 weeks to move on. He replied “it wasn’t 2 weeks”.
He was already moving on, while still being with me. And it hurts so much to think about it. That while I was trying to make us work again, he was already thinking of what was gonna be next.

So here I am. On my bed in tears. It’s 5.30 am. An hour after I found out that he is seeing someone. Feeling the same pain as when we broke up. Feeling paralyzed. Not sure how to face the day.

I’m searching for the strength that lies in me. I know I have it. I know I can walk again. I can be happy again.

I also know this man was never for me. I know he never truly loved me… He fell in love, deeply, but he never loved me. And seeing how fast he moved on, just reminds me that it was a good decision to break up. I want a man who chooses me. A man who feels the happiest man in the world because he is with me. A man who opens his heart to me and who is giving. A man who appreciates everything he gets from me.

This man was not my ex. He never was. But I intend to find Him.

15 Comments

  • charles

    Reply Reply April 24, 2014

    Magda,

    It takes a lot of courage to post this. You’re truly brave.

    Hats off to you.

    And, remember… you’re still sooo beautiful. :-)

    And you’ll be happy again.

    -Charles

    • dodyd

      Reply Reply April 24, 2014

      thank you

  • Elena

    Reply Reply April 24, 2014

    Dear, I was there.. Sometimes I am still there in a 3 years after divorce.. The huge insight is that it’s not people.. It soul of other people who makes this experience for us.. Why? Becouse our soul asked for it in previous life time or between lives.. Asked to be sure that we will have best experience even painful to learn our lesson…. Love u

  • Marta

    Reply Reply April 24, 2014

    Hey beautiful soul

    I can feel your pain, and gone through this by myself too. And it was my best friend whom he started dating.

    Just take your time and know that the pain will be gone with the time. It will be over, believe me.

    • Anon

      Reply Reply April 9, 2017

      Your best friend is not your best friend in this case. I have experienced this before and two things helped me move on.

      1) Accept things you cannot change. You asked for the breakup. Recognize the role you play and that deep down, as much as it hurt, it was the right thing to do

      2) People serve a purpose in our life at a certain time. He filled his purpose and gave you an experience that you can learn and grow from. Like you did, it is imperative to do some soul searching so you can learn to love your self and be more resilient against situations like this.

  • Diana

    Reply Reply April 24, 2014

    Magda! I truly believe you are amazingly beautiful , courageous, smart , sexy, interesting and most of all worth to be with young woman ! You are strong and nobody can’t take that away from you except for yourself !!! This all shall pass! You will be happy again ! In 3 years you will laugh at it, then why not laugh now?!!! Lots of love and appreciation for who you are!

  • Patryk

    Reply Reply April 24, 2014

    Yo G.Swietnie napisane. Ty wiesz, ze ja wiem jak sie teraz czujesz. Ale uwierz mi ze to przechodzi. Mnie przepelnial zal i zlosc bo czulem sie pokrzywdzony. Pomoglo mi przebaczenie tej drugiej osobie (nawet jesli ona nie widziala w swojej postawie nic zlego). Zainspirowala mnie teoria, ze sposrod Matek, ktore traca synow, do normalnego zycia wracaja tylko te, ktore przebaczaja oprawcom swoich dzieci. Moze to szalone, ale ja tez sie czulem jakby ktos mi cos zabral, zabil i sie odwrocil. Ale wewnatrz postanowilem przebaczyc i ruszyc dalej. Poczulem sie wtedy lepiej.

    Ty tez znajdziesz swoj sposob.

  • Alex

    Reply Reply April 24, 2014

    I think it takes a lot of guts to post this. I’ve deal with similar situations ( and here I just found myself again in one) but I think the more aware we become on what is happening around us and how to give ourself love and time to mourn, the stronger we become as women and more capable of dealing with unpleasant situations.

    Heads up Magda! Proud of you!

    • dodyd

      Reply Reply April 24, 2014

      hey love, I agree. It will all make us stronger and ready for the next experience. kisses!

  • Rebecca

    Reply Reply April 24, 2014

    Wow– it’s such a brave thing to be so open and honest about having these emotions. I felt overwhelmed with emotion, empathy, and sympathy reading this. Brave girl xxx

  • k

    Reply Reply April 25, 2014

    If you can’t be happy when you are single, you’ll be miserable in a relationship.

  • sgrmse.

    Reply Reply April 25, 2014

    thank you for sharing your story, for opening your heart. you’re already moving on to bigger & better.. you just need to realise that. let me know if you ever need company, honey! always here (:

    xx mel ng

    • dodyd

      Reply Reply April 25, 2014

      yes, let meet for a coffee in the next few weeks!

  • xxx

    Reply Reply December 1, 2015

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  • hub

    Reply Reply October 7, 2016

    Mucha gracias por todo tu esfuerzo en esta pagina web. Kim realmente ama hacer tiempo para las investigaciones y es facil entender por que. Todos nosotros Aviso toda la manera animada se procesa valiosos consejos y sugerencias sobre este blog y asi como la respuesta impulso de otros que estan en esta idea, mas que mi hijo se esta convirtiendo educados tanto. Diviertete con el resto del ano. Su haciendo un muy buen trabajo.

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