Being “The Other Woman”

Last month brought a lot of uncomfortable questions and forced me to re-evaluate some of my beliefs.

I always felt that you can be truly in love with only one person. That if you fully open your heart, there is simply no space for anyone else. That when you’re in love, you stop noticing other men or women. The moment you do, it’s a sign something is wrong with your relationship.

Yet recently I started questioning these beliefs. I started wondering whether a human heart is capable of deeply connecting to more than one person. And whether it’s possible for us to love another one, without feeling any different about our partner. I started wondering whether monogamy is real and if an open relationship can work. All this time being much aware that theory is one thing, but once you’re in the situation and the emotions start taking over, no logic makes sense anymore.

I know how painful it is when your man stops feeling you’re the one. I know how much it hurts when his heart turns towards another woman. And I know the ripping pain of learning he had slept with someone else.

And yet in the last month I got dangerously close to crossing that line and causing such pain.

Out of nowhere I started having feelings for this man. At first it was simply a connection. We liked each other company, we could talk for hours… Soon I realised that it turned into a whole different type of feelings for me. It became clear that not only did I like him, I hopelessly fell for this man, head over heels.

I knew he was married. And yet that could not stop how I felt about him. I craved his company, I craved his attention. I craved more than that…

We never crossed the line. I was moving away and that’s probably the only reason why anything that we felt remained platonic.

But if I hadn’t left, what would have happened? What would I want to happen? What would I be ok with? How far would I go?

As much as we like to split everything into good and bad, the world is much more complicated. Nothing is black or white. And this surely isn’t either.

No girl dreams of becoming “the other woman” when she grows up. But just because you are not the wife, or not the girlfriend, doesn’t mean your feelings are any less real. And yet it’s that “other woman” who is always blamed. It’s that “other woman who becomes the evil witch who breaks a happy family. The wife gets to be heartbroken, but not “the other woman”. She is heart-less, emotionless, cold and sophisticated. And her only goal is to play at the expense of others.

Or is it?

Is it really so hard to see her as a woman with heart like any other? A woman who wants to love and be loved?

I know it breaks the rules of our society. And I know we don’t want to talk about it. We decided that marriage is sacred and that there is no trespassing. That no matter what, you stay with each other and once you’re married you should never desire anyone else, and no one else should ever desire you.

And yet if that was true we would not have so many cases of infidelity. We would not be tempted to explore outside of our marriage, which we do. We know the reality is very much different from what we are so confidently preaching out loud.

I am not saying it is ok to cheat. But we don’t control who we fall for.

I do believe we should talk about it. We shouldn’t be ignoring the topic, nor pretend it’s something bad and push it aside as something we will never have to deal with, because we are good. It will take a lot of understanding and even more compassion. But I do wish we had this dialog.

I want this to be the acknowledgement to all the women who have ever fell for a taken man. You have the right to feel. You have the right to open your heart, to love, be loved and experience strong emotions. You have the right to feel hurt. You have the right for your own love story. That does not make you bad, it only makes you human, darling.

With all my heart,

Your Brave Belle


  • Mereloo

    Reply Reply November 15, 2017

    Have you ever heard of consensual nonmonogamy or polyamory? While cheating is never okay, it’s possible to have loving, committed relationships with more than one person. It takes a lot of communication; and, obviously, it’s only ethical if everyone involved knows what’s going on and consents.

    In the case you described, it sounded like the couple was monogamous, so that would not have been ethical. There are ways people make it work for them.

  • Padre

    Reply Reply January 7, 2018

    Sometimes in our life we just need to escape. Run away as far as possible. But sooner or later the time will come and we have to challenge our demons. Our homework in this life must be done.

  • Tiffany RENAH

    Reply Reply January 11, 2018

    As of right now I’m the other woman.i have been going on 4 years and he still makes promises he can’t keep or wants to keep but,I have tried numerous times to walk away from all of this and he begs me not to leave so I stay thinking he will change and choose me but,the hard reality is that he is never going to choose me or leave her for me..I really am having a hard time letting him go and trying to move on with my own life without him in it… I’m just stuck and not sure what to do anymore!

    • Just me

      Reply Reply March 9, 2018

      Hi…I can relate very deeply to your story. ( ice never responded to one of these boards before until now.)

      I suggest you please prepare yourself for a very painful fallout. He isn’t going to leave anybody but you, and he will leave you devastated. I’m not saying this to hurt you, but to prepare you. That’s actually what happened to me, and I was unprepared. I am now being forced to withdraw because he has disappeared, and I guess he only cares about his damage control and his wife. I understand but never thought he would do that. So many untruths were promised, and I naively and selfishly believed them. So please start self correcting and practice self care. You don’t realize the pain that is coming your way if your don’t start to prepare for a fallout. I wish I could tell you that the fairytale would end well. I really wish that for you, but the other woman has a painful road. Just me

      • Wifey

        Reply Reply December 19, 2018

        Why did you choose to be with a married man? You could have avoided the pain you felt yourself and the role you played in causing another woman’s pain. Oddly enough you don’t mention her, suppose you don’t care about her… just you.

    • Mary

      Reply Reply November 15, 2018

      Reading your comment I actually thought it could have been one that I had written myself as I feel EXACTLY the same as you and it’s been 4 years for me also. I can’t imagine life without him in it yet I can’t keep living like this, it’s killing me.
      Are you still with him? If not, how did you break free?


  • Stupid me

    Reply Reply June 9, 2018

    I never thought that someday I will be the other woman, I met this man via his brother in a bar, i knew I wanted this guy, he was cute and charming, we changed numbers and he invited me to his house to spend the day together, I knew I was going to have sex with me and i was ready for it, I didn’t know he was married, we had lunch, we went to the pool, and at the moment he kissed me I felt like the time stopped, we had sex in the swimming pool and it was amazing, we start chatting and he said he was married, but no kids YET, I was shocked because i liked him but at the same time i didn’t care, I had a boyfriend and I was cheating on him to, so we finished our day having wild sex all day, after that day I blocked his number, and I promised myself not to see him anymore, I met him after that in the same bar with his wife, I ignored him, then he sent me a message with another number, we spoke and we understood each other, we weren’t happy in our currents relationship, sexually speaking, so we decided to be sexfriends, it was exciting and I loved sleeping with him, after 2 months, I felt in love with him, and start feeling like i was cheating on him with my boyfriend, but I couldn’t tell him my feelings, one day he said he loved me and he didn’t know how it happened so I admitted that it was the same for me, then he had to confess something to me, his wife was pregnant he’s going to be a dad,and he kept giving promises abouy divorcing his wife after 1 year, because he couldn’t leave her like this and had to make things right without hurting her, I was guilty so of course I agree, we spent 8 months, and I loved him more and more and him to, and I trusted him soo much (I still do) I broke up with my boyfriend and changed my life for this man, and I know he was doing the same, but he was taking time to do things right, searched about divorce law, child custody and tried to make it end without hurting his wife or someone knowing about us. Everything was doing well I was dreaming about the day that I will finally introduce him to my family and friends. But of course nothing goes like we want, his wife just discovered about us, and he still didn’t text me back, he just asked me to wait, and that he will call when he can, and that I should trust him, because he will do everything to protect me and my love for him. It’s been 48h now and still no messages from him, I know how this kind of stories and he will be afraid to lose his child, and he will choose to leave me, but I keep hoping for MY happy ending. I never loved before and he is my first love, so losing him like this makes me crazy. I’m lost, and couldn’t tell anyone how hurt I am because I was too ashamed to tell my friends about this situation. I’m sorry if there is mistakes, English is not my first language. But if there anyone who had an happy ending in this case of scenario, I need hope.

  • Stupid me

    Reply Reply June 9, 2018

    He choosed me.

    • Rebecca

      Reply Reply October 26, 2018

      Just wondering what is happening. Are you still together?

  • "But it's just sex"

    Reply Reply June 19, 2018

    Gosh,I have to let this out. Back story, I’ve been working at my current company for 2 years now and I love it. Recently, on a business trip, my 39 year old married boss and I (26) accidentally blacked out drinking and had sex.
    We’re both borderline alcoholics, and honestly struggle with sex addiction as well. I have no feelings, not trying to take anyone’s man but I’ve had so many talks with myself lately on why I did it and why it might happen again.
    Part of me feels like the “other women” do girlfriends and wives a favor…I think if my husband WANTS to cheat… let him and yes I will find out burn his things in the front yard but I will be out of a toxic relationship. I don’t want my husband/ bf to NOT cheat just because a girl said no.
    Part of me obviously enjoys the attention, hes good looking, the texts are purely sexual but I also look up to him as a mentor, a friend and I would never intentionally ruin his marriage or make this more than it is.

    I struggle with why I cant just say…listen… NO this is bad stop messaging me, stop being out with your god damn children and family and wanting to reminisce on the sex. I want to say that…then the lonely part of me thinks okay just one more time.

    Yes, I’ve been cheated on, yes I’ve cheated (on the same fucker who cheated first) and honestly I think that’s why I’m so numb to it. After being hurt I just said I wont give a fuck about any guy anymore anyways. But now I think about my job, how this would ruin my reputation, he could lose his job, I would NEVER be promoted and I have this horrible horrible feeling of…what if we get caught.. this would be the biggest regret of my life.

    Anyways I needed to vent. I apologize for everyone else in this thread that has been hurt and I’ll be honest, his wife does not cross my mind, or his kids, it cant or how can I live with myself. I’m being a selfish piece of shit and justify it by saying its just sex.

    Just thought I’d throw in the perspective of “the other woman” who ISNT in love, has no want to have him leave his wife and just enjoyed the good sex.

    • che

      Reply Reply August 29, 2018

      Wow that’s me too right now. I have no idea why I am not walking away but I like it. It’s that simple. It’s an animal urge and we are giving into it. I can’t even say that to anyone out loud since it will make me ‘evil’. I’ve been cheated on too so I have no idea why I don’t care. But i don’t, he is the best sex I’ve ever had.

  • Don’t even think about it

    Reply Reply November 12, 2018

    Seriously? 🤔. There is NO absolutely NO justification for cheating or betraying except your own lack of morals and self worth. If you’re tempted to cheat or are the ‘other woman’ and well aware of that fact take heed! Look beyond your selfish short sighted hopes and dig deeper. The only reason people justify this crap is because they are too selfish and too insecure to deal with the fact that THEY are the problem.

    I won’t cal them ‘sluts’ or ‘whores’ but certainly ‘homewreckers’

    Realize your poor choices and lack of self control contribute to the emotional murder of that man’s or that woman’s husband/wife/kids!

    I know there is no common sense way to talk people out of the insane ness of an affair because once you’re in you’re hooked!! But google a few professionals and read up on the subject. You’re relationship is as good as burnt toast. Once the ‘high’ of all those hormones stop pumping through your brain you will find you’ve had yours coming….

    And to the spouse of the betrayer…YOU will be ok! Either your spouse will drop that other person like yesterday’s newspaper and your new marriage will be full of a new deeper and fierce love OR you will find yourself, and your betrayer of a spouse and the other woman (who has no solidarity towards her own sex and no value in herself) will find themselves spiraling out of control down a deep dark hole of their own demise.

    Your spouse will eventually regret betraying you, but by then it will be too late.

    Affairs are textbook! Read before you choose to be the other woman OR the betrayer

  • angelswingz

    Reply Reply December 12, 2018

    It’s kind of crazy to judge a woman who may find herself in an emotional and intimate relationship with a “taken” man.When it comes to attraction, connections, and love it’s the heart that’s in control and makes the decisions, not the mind and brain.Love and relationships are dynamic,complex, and organic and they aren’t exactly things that can be controlled by conscious thought alone.I guess it’s all just a part of being human.
    Also, I think most people actually agree with what you’ve said, but many try their hardest to fight this reality of love and relationships.

  • Anonymous

    Reply Reply December 26, 2018

    I am the other woman as well being married. The man I am seeing had been in a 9 year relationship with his girlfriend, I have been married for 24 years. We started off as friends at work but quickly realized that we were both falling for each other. He says he’s been unhappy for a few years, my marriage has been up and down for a long time. He fills the void I feel with my husband. He wants to spend time with me, he pays attention to me, he makes me smile and laugh. And when we’re together, our phones are completely out of sight. My husband is a loner, who’s idea of fun is sitting home, drinking beer, playing on his phone and watching sports. I want to be out socializing, having fun with friends. 6 months ago my husband told me I had to give up on my dream of being a RN, quit nursing school and go back to work. It’s been downhill since then. I do feel bad for the other girl. She’s really a nice girl, and we had built a friendship. But I love this man, and he says he loves me. After the holidays he says he wants us to be together, we’ll see what happens.

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