The pain you’re feeling after the break up is probably the worst thing ever. But it also opens the door to something so much better.

My recent break up has been the most painful experience of my life. I went through depression and even hurt myself physically.
Since then I’ve read tons of books on relationships and self-love. I tried various healing practices. Slowly, I started emerging out of it, feeling more positive and in control of my life. Despite occasional lows, I can now objectively look at my relationship and notice all the lessons.

Because no matter how much pain I felt, it was one of the most valuable lessons of my life, and for that I am, and always will be, grateful.

I strongly believe that every experience in our lives happens for a reason. There is always something we are meant to learn, or teach.
Intimate relationships are a very special kind of such experiences. They are what gives us the deepest pleasure, but also what causes the most acute pain. These are the moments in which everything we were trying to hide about ourselves will come up. Any limiting belief, any self-doubt, any fear. Both about you and about him.
Every relationship will experience difficulties once that starts happening. And it will start. This is the nature of relationships. It doesn’t make them bad, it just makes them valuable for our growth.

There is nothing you can do about it.

But what you can do, is choose how to react. We have free will and nobody can force us to do anything. So it is your choice whether you’re going to embrace it and face your inner demons, or not.

Life will keep giving us the same lesson over and over again, until we get it.

So if you choose you don’t want it, that you’d rather keep hiding your shadows inside you and live as nothing ever happened, than you will likely find your current relationship inconvenient, and so you will end it.

You will shortly after get in a new relationship, but to your surprise, this will soon become inconvenient for you too. And unless you make a decision to accept your lesson, this will keep happening in your life over and over again.

And some people live like this. This is their choice. Everybody has their own path and we need to respect that.

My ex lives like this. It is his choice.

It took me a while to understand that. He didn’t try much in the relationship, if it meant going outside of his comfort zone. We didn’t grow together. And when we finally broke up, he started dating a new girl only few weeks after.

In the beginning I took it personally. I though that it all never mattered to him, and was not important. That I was not important.

But now I understand that it has nothing to do with me. It is his decision whether he takes life’s challenges as opportunities to grow or not. He chose the way of safety and comfort. The less painful one. And there is nothing wrong about that.

But I decided otherwise. I though to myself: If I wasn’t strong enough to face this pain, then I wouldn’t have been given this experience. I can do it. And I will emerge stronger, more in line with my true essence, and happier.

The path isn’t always easy. It’s painful. To the point where you feel like breaking and you lose any hope of getting better. But it will get better. I can promise you this, because I’ve experienced it.

There is a beautiful analogy in Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth (which, if you haven’t read, please do – it’s going to change how you look at life).

Imagine you have a thorn in your arm. Whenever you or somebody else touches it, it hurts.
So you have two choices. You can either protect the thorn so it doesn’t get touched, or you can simply tear it out. The second option makes more sense. Yes, you will feel pain taking the thorn out, but then it will be gone forever and once it’s healed, you will feel no pain and will never have to worry about it again.

The problem is that a lot of people choose the first option. They protect their thorn. They design their whole lives around it. And they don’t realise that they become the victims and slaves to that thorn.

We all have such thorns in us. We all fear not being loved or accepted. And so we will avoid situations that can make us feel just that.

For long I was an example of such behaviour. For 27 years of my life I avoided, and never got into an intimate relationship. I felt much more in control being single. I didn’t have to risk becoming vulnerable and getting hurt by somebody I cared about.

But if you do that, you are pushing away the most beautiful experiences in your life.

Imagine that you have that physical thorn in your arm. You have to avoid crowds, small places or moving too much. You limit your life and how much you can experience it just to make sure that no one ever touches the thorn.

So after my break up I had a choice to make. I had my thorn in me. And it got touched and pushed and twisted causing a horrible pain. I could then decide to cover it and run away from anything that could touch it. I could have pretended that I’m strong and nothing happened. I could have also jumped right into the next relationship. Or, I could have chosen not to break up at all and stay in the mediocre relationship.

But I chose to get that thorn out of me.

I feel much lighter now. I understand my needs and wants so much better. And I’m building strength to ask and get it (which I wouldn’t do before fearing he would take away his love). Most of all, I am learning to be myself. To fully accept myself. And to love myself.

The next relationship I’ll have is not going to be based on a fear. It’s not going to be based on any needs. It will be based purely on love. But unless you choose to tear the thorn out, you will never be able to experience that.

Just because the process is painful, don’t run from it. Don’t let it stop you from experiencing something amazing. And never let your ex partner decide this path for you. Somebody who didn’t know how to appreciate you is not the person you should give away your lesson for.

Remember, everything is duality. There is dark and there is light. There is day and there is night. There is pain, and there is love.

We need to understand that every experience comes with both. Don’t run away from the bad, because you will be running away from the good, too. Embrace both.

Stay strong, continue your journey. You’ve come so far already. Don’t give up now. Don’t go back. Just a bit longer and you will finally wake up strong and full of love like never before.

If you’re hurting now, I know it’s tough. I know that when the pain gets so strong, you would do anything to stop it. Anything – including suicide.

I was there not long time ago. I still sometimes feel the pain and anger. But I already feel so much better.

If I had a chance to go back and eliminate my pain – I wouldn’t. Because I needed it to believe in myself and that I deserve better. We all need to believe that we deserve the best. Otherwise we will stay in bad relationship never feeling worthy enough.

This is your time, your journey. Embrace it. You are on your way towards something beautiful and amazing and I’m so happy for you. I’m with you in this journey. And if you ever need support or somebody to listen to, you can always email me.

With love,

Magda Kay


  • ashwin n

    Reply Reply May 22, 2014

    I must say that this blog post has been one of the most thought provoking and honest blogs that I have ever read, you are an incredible person and you will be with someone who will care and be there for you, wishing you all the luck and happiness possible.

  • Sara

    Reply Reply May 30, 2016

    Thank you Magda for being such an amazing soul.

    I like this passage “The next relationship I’ll have is not going to be based on a fear. It’s not going to be based on any needs. It will be based purely on love.”.

    A simple, and therefore powerful concept.
    I am going through the same pain and I can recognise my feelings in your words. It is a big pain. I have recently read the comic novel “Persepolis” by Mariana Satrapi: it is a sort of autobiography, a story of a young Iranian girl growing up in the 80s. You have in the background the story of a country, its people and a family devastated by violence, death, unrest and the young Mariana suffering for months depression because a unhappy ending love story.

    Also strong, successful strong characters suffer pain due to a break up. This is so powerful and revelatory.

    Thank you Magda for being able to help me through this path.


    • dodyd

      Reply Reply March 20, 2017

      Sara, thank you for sharing. Stay strong, everything will be well in the end. Much love

  • Toby Palmer

    Reply Reply March 16, 2017

    Thank you for adding this for thew world to see.

    I am less than a week in to painful breakup which I knew was coming for a long time, and thought I was ready for it. How wrong I was.

    The pain is horrendous. unbearable at times, and seems no-ending. She has already started dating after a week to, and that just adds to the pain.

    I can’t see out of the fog. The whole world seems to be living, and moving around me at an alarmingly fast rate, and I seem stood still, moving in slow motion. Fighting the tears back hourly and just wanting to crawl up in a ball and switch my mind off.

    I’ve copy and pasted your words in to an email to myself to read whenever things get really tough.

    Thank you again. Taking things one hour at a time here. Hoping one day someone will appreciate how much love I have to give them.

    T xx

    • Robin

      Reply Reply February 25, 2019

      Hi, how is your pain, my friend? how is your life going? I saw your comment to this post and felt like me. I am going through acute pain as you have posted? How did you get over it. Any suggestions would be helpful.

      • Fellow Pain Sufferer

        Reply Reply November 30, 2019

        Robin, how is your pain now? I’m currently experiencing the pain as well. It’s been a while and I’m wondering if you saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

        • In pain

          Reply Reply February 20, 2021

          How did you feel better? What helped?

  • Katelyn

    Reply Reply October 11, 2017

    I can’t cope with the pain of my break up. Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can’t sleep without the sleeping pills. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

    • Geoffrey

      Reply Reply December 5, 2017

      Katelyn –

      There are many of us all to familiar with your pain. My breakup happened is September while I was in the hospital no less. I immediately lost almost 20 pounds and struggled with sleep and eating. I immediately turned my focus to God. He has gently guided me through the last 10 weeks showing his love and grace. I’m not saying it is easy because I still struggle, but if you take care of yourself, the pain will subside a little more with each passing day….trust me, self love will help immensely…

  • Chris

    Reply Reply January 4, 2018

    The pain is unfathomable. My girlfriend broke up with 3 months ago when she moved her first year in a University, since then I’ve been workingout, getting closer to God. God has honestly comforted me in so many ways! However I’m still immensely hurt, and not a day goes by that I dont think of her. She was in town for a week, insane her it was great at first, she cried and we cuddled. However next day she told me she doesn’t want to do that and wants to stay single. Broke my heart again idk what to do, I get suicidal thoughts at times, but I know it wont help anything. She went and saw someone else in my town actually. This hurts so bad, I like to veleive this is all happening for a great reason..

  • Michelle Webb

    Reply Reply February 7, 2018

    I broke up with my long distance relationship because he don’t want our relationship to go further. His reason is all about my negative personality. Means he did not accept me as who I am. We already in 2years and we also experiencing ups and down. After the break up I really feel depress This is my first heartbreak. I never into relationship before. I tried my best to get him back but seems he wont. So I stop and find my best version of myself. I have learned a lot of lessons which I can apply in everyday life. Sometimes I really feel pain and my motivation is if there is no PAIN or experience then you will never improve yourself.

    • Snowwhite

      Reply Reply January 6, 2020

      This is exactly what am going through, is it okay to beg him to come back. Or should I just try and move on. No matter how painful it is?

  • Shan

    Reply Reply February 21, 2018

    Just what I needed to hear. It’s unnerving when you give all your power away. When you fully realize that you and you alone are prolonging the pain because you’re scared. Because you can’t imagine your life without someone who , in reality has given you very little. This need to fix them or it will drain you. This is me , empty but sitting on the shelf having just made the decision to stop. I already feel lighter. I’m 4 months into a breakup. With casually seeing him , of course when he wants , I had no say. I realized that I did have the choice and I wasn’t moving forward , I was sitting in mud and drowning…… it’s hard , so fucking hard but it will pass. I hope.

  • Fiona

    Reply Reply February 28, 2018

    We all will feel better at the end of the day. Nothing is so hard that we couldn’t overcome. I always believe that. Life is full of adventure, sometimes we might not be able to understand the pain we had. But when we meet someone wonderful in the future, we will know everything was worth it.

  • Jyotirmoyo Patnaik

    Reply Reply April 10, 2018

    The most suprising thing is once you made them feel so special cared so much made them the centre of your world and they too said that nothing can separate us but no matter how tough the situation is they dont even try to save the relationship they simply walk off and the most painful part is they put the blame on us. We are already in ashock seeing them go and this blame makes us feel guilty and every every every second is a hell. Just everything seems dark and do not know weather I will be happy ever again. She is happy dating a sucessfull guy and i am happy for her and respect her decision but the way she made me feel worthless.

    • Carrie

      Reply Reply April 26, 2018

      I can definitely relate to this. I was given a promise ring, with the promise of marriage one day. A “you’re the only one I want to be with. You’re it for me”. We talked about marriage and babies and our future home together. And within a few days, his feelings changed and I was out of his life. Told through text he wasn’t happy. It hurts. I am feeling your pain. It’s hard to feel like there’s happiness out there to be found, because the world feels so dark.

  • Sasha

    Reply Reply April 26, 2018

    I just went through a recent breakup and it hurts so much. We were together for 5 and a half years. I feel like death and there’s a sharp pain in my chest. I have no energy and day to day I just want to stay in bed and cry..

    I dont know what to do. I feel helpless. Please help me.

    • Nirva

      Reply Reply May 9, 2018

      Hey, i went through a horrible breakup recently as well. I’m here if you want to talk and get those feelings out. :)

  • Carrie

    Reply Reply April 26, 2018

    I was broken up with yesterday, in the middle of the day while at work. I was supposed to move in with him, 1 1/2 hours away from my friends and family, this weekend. I had quit my job, found a new one and had my life packed up in boxes ready to go. He told me he wasn’t happy and that he didn’t think he would be. I asked him a week ago if he wanted me to look for an apartment up there instead, and he said no. He had kids that I loved, and now I’ll never see them again. Now we’re over, I have no job and no home. I am completely broken.

    It’s hard to read these posts and hear how things will get better when you’re in such a dark place. When your heart is so hurt that there couldn’t possibly be a reason to smile anymore. When you know they’re out there living life and not in the same kind of pain you are.

    I’m not sure if anyone will see this, but just know I’m going through the same pain, and mine is as fresh as fresh can be, so if you need to vent and just talk about the hard things. I’m here.

    • Char

      Reply Reply June 9, 2018

      I am hoping things are getting better?? Im in a dark familiar place and sick of coming here.

    • lolis

      Reply Reply January 20, 2021

      i know this is an old thread, but I really hope you are in much better place now!

  • Broken

    Reply Reply May 1, 2018

    Carrie, Sasha,

    Hang in there.
    The next few months are gonna be the darkest, most difficult periods of your life. Prepare yourself for this. It is going to hurt. You’d probably find out more details about the breakup that could potentially hurt you even more. Prepare your heart for this. It’s a little like preparing for a thunderstorm, we know it’s gonna be bad, so we store enough supplies and let it pass.
    Remember that it’ll be difficult to genuinely enjoy life for the next few months to a year (depending on how long you guys were together). So instead of letting this period of life go a waste, work on getting physically fit (if that was something you’ve always wanted to get to), learn that new musical instrument, learn that new language, get that Master’s degree, travel to that City you’ve been thinking about, read all those books you kept wanting to, hang out with all those friends you lost touch with, get dance lessons, etc. At the end of a year or a little over, you don’t want to feel that you lost a year doing nothing, feeling depressed. Keep sometime off every day, to grieve, cry, write if needed. I’m 6 months into my breakup and it’s gotten better than day 1, but I’ve a long way to go.

    • jim

      Reply Reply May 29, 2018

      just broke up with my wife of 8 years and two kids 3 and 5. She wanted to break up but hasnt really given any real reason for doing so. I will have the children 4 days a week and i look at them every day and get upset for whats ahead of them that they didnt ask for. I kmow ill get through this but i will never understand why this happened because my wife doesnt want to talk about it. It hurts but i keep reminding myself its the pain i need to develop and grow. I will make myself happy again and if someone comes along then fine but ill never get into a relationship to look for happiness and if the love is not felt then i will walk away. Learning new things is the way i will deal with the empty days starting with guitar that i never had time for you gave great advice

  • Sasha

    Reply Reply May 24, 2018

    It’s been a week since he broke up with me. This comes shortly after he’d asked to get back with him even i was resistant in the beginning knowing what our previous relationship had brought me. He promised so much and so consistently that in the end i ended up agreeing to another chance at the relationship against my better judgement. In the 3 month period since march i actually ended up falling for him again and last week Wednesday he calls and breaks up with me out of the blue saying he is not happy. I’m more disappointed than hurt in this break up because i can easily say i saw it coming but still allowed myself to fall for him. It still sucks to be feeling this knowing all what he promised and the fact that I believed him.

    • Mona

      Reply Reply October 28, 2018

      I’m in the same situation as you :(

      • Anubhav

        Reply Reply November 24, 2018

        Hey Mona, I want to say something you all are nice people with worst past. I think you should move on and give chance to other guys( those who waiting for you )and trust me some of them are amazing one and never heart you, shareing the feeling this will makes you relax.😃

  • shweta saronja

    Reply Reply June 30, 2018

    i need your help regarding breakup also got jobless after breakup m not able to control anything m trying but still not able to control

  • em

    Reply Reply July 19, 2018

    I am so grateful for these words.

    I loved him more than I loved myself. I still do. We found each other in a country that was foreign to me but where he called home. I moved there for my job and fell in love with him serendipitously. I had no friends there, no family, no one, but him. I was in a very toxic work environment; I didn’t enjoy my job. He truly was the only and best thing that had happened to me there. I was wholly dependent on him, and he didn’t like that. He wanted us to lead separate lives (while still dating).

    Constantly, I fought for his time and attention. At times he would see me once a month while he met with friends 2-3 times per week. We met only when it was convenient for him. I served as a gap-filler. He promised me much – we’d watch a musical together, go to the museum, take a trip somewhere. All things I wanted to do but he was never interested to and didn’t put in the effort to materialise them. All lip service. He wouldn’t put in effort into our relationship or do anything for me which was of inconvenience. Yet he would go to the ends of the earth for his iPhone X, tech gadgets and sports car. Still, I loved him so much that if he gave me an inch, I would have given him a mile. Or ten.

    My workplace became overbearing, I had no choice but to leave my job which meant leaving the country. He didn’t fight for me to stay but was open to LDR. I was worried but he kept assuring that we would be okay despite the distance. I was only a 45 minute flight away. If in the same country he struggled to give me time, what more when we were apart. He constantly said we would be okay.

    Barely a month into LDR, it’s like he flipped a switch and called it off. He didn’t want to do long distance. He has past experiences and it didn’t work. I don’t know why back then he lied to me saying things would be okay. It has shaken my world and I feel paralysed. I have never felt pain like this before. It’s overbearing. I just want it to stop. But it never stops. When I think I’m getting a little better, the pain swallows me up again. It’s consuming. Everything about me has changed. For the worse. This is so much pain. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything I loved. The hurt is too much. How can one love so little?

    But now I know that this is him. He’s carefree, he’s happy-go-lucky. He doesn’t like drama. He would never lift a finger for me. He dislikes inconvenience. He never made time for me. Life is like a party for him because his life *was* a party. He would never sacrifice anything for me. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and I kept doing things out of *my* comfort zone for him but it was never enough. All went unnoticed.

    You are right to say that some people choose this path. He wanted things easy. He didn’t want to grow. He wanted to remain in his comfort zone. He only wanted to take the road most traveled. This is his choice.

    I thank you for helping me understand. It doesn’t make the heartache any easier. But it helps me to think differently. Now I know it’s not me. Nor is it him. It’s just the desire for an easy life.

    This was my first relationship. I had not known pain like this could exist. Now it breaks my heart even more knowing that there are others too hurting like this. I wish no one has to feel this way.

    • Anonymous Beauty

      Reply Reply March 2, 2020

      Boyfriend just broke up with me after a year and a half, and I’m feeling empty. He did a few things to hurt me like lying and Infidelity, and I gave him two chances to make it better. He tried to but I guess I just couldn’t get over being hurt and being paranoid about his lies. I feel that it’s all my fault and this situation just feels wrong. I’m having a hard time not reaching out to him and I just want him back. Reading your article and knowing other people feel the same as me have helped. I just don’t know what to do :(

  • mona lisa

    Reply Reply October 13, 2018

    I broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago on my birthday while we were traveling together…I cannot explain how heartbreaking and painful it was for me to unpack my suitcase and all the things we bought together… for 4 days I couldn’t stop crying,it was too much it affected my sight..
    we met 9 months ago, he was so kind and attentive we laughed together and it was great but there was only one big flaw right from the beginning; he had trust issues… I made myself available for him so he wont suspect any thing, he forced me to block all my male friends..he accused me of cheating on him if I didn’t answer my phone for one hour…
    at last he broke up with me because of a kiss emoji(without heart)which I sent to one of my male relatives on Instagram,as a reply to him congratulating me on my 35th birthday…and that was it… I don’t know what to do..I’m so shocked I don’t know where to begin…I’m so frustrated ,you think you found your partner and then boom..every thing falls apart..
    don’t know if I have enough energy and love and trust left in me to enter into a new relation ship and this is why I’m scared…I’m scarred I will end up all alone,without a purpose in my life,without any one who will love me… Please help me..what should I do?
    when will this pain leave me?

  • Soha

    Reply Reply October 18, 2018

    My husband left me after 14 years of marriage and 3 kids. I had this sick feeling in my stomach that he was seeing someone else and confronted him. He finally came clean… He found someone exciting, sexy, kind, understanding, brainy…I forgot the rest… and she makes him happy. He is even buying a motorcycle! They have been seeing each other for longer than 3 years..I found out later.. Why the hell did he not leave then?! Why did he string me and the kids along?! I still have moments of anger. He moved out a year ago.. Some days I think I still love him. He is the father of my children after all… Then I remind myself of the satisfaction on his face when he told me about his affair…and how he actually enjoyed seeing me in pain. It gets easier. I find that for the first time in my life, I am actually being kind to myself. Taking care of my needs. In hindsight my divorce has been a gift. A gift that I would not have dreamt of giving myself…

  • SImona

    Reply Reply November 10, 2018

    Hi Monalisa, I am so sorry to read about your break up. I m going through a tough one as well. It hurts very much but there is something that gives me so much hope. If you want to talk I am here. Simostar

  • Cody

    Reply Reply December 3, 2018

    I’m going through the most heart breaking time of my life. My boyfriend of 3 years who I was and still am completely and utterly in love with and thought he felt the same, left me a few weeks ago. We were closer to eachother than anyone I’ve ever met and I would do anything for him. I think what hurts more is that I still would even after the way I’ve been treated. All the promises made and nice things said to me and he just leaves and “doesn’t care” (his words). I’m heartbroken and I’m so hurt I can’t stop crying. Tonight is one of the bad nights and I happend to find this blog in search for something to try and help me through this horrible time and it’s really opened up my eyes. Deep down I think I knew he was always going to settle for an easy life whereas I have so much ambition and I think it scares him. I did everything and anything for him and sometimes I get annoyed at myself for doing too much but then I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t show people how much I care about them. I know I gave our relationship 100% and I can bet you he wouldn’t be able to say the same for himself. As they say actions speak louder than words and that’s what I have to remember in this. I just never thought he would do this to me but you never think the people you love will hurt you so bad do you?. I just want things to get easier. I know it takes time. I just wish I could skip the hurting part.

  • Griffin

    Reply Reply December 10, 2018

    I broke up with her two years ago due to sex complications ,but deep deep down I still loved her,wen I tried to get back and save our relationship,she seemed so indifferent as if we had never been lovers,she was so comfortable saying she had got some one else,oh how people change,she has left me with a wound so hard to heal ,am hurting

  • dimm

    Reply Reply December 26, 2018

    i met her at my school when i was doing my A/l s
    and we had up and downs , still we together until tomorrow
    becourse he went on a trip with uni friends but she knws i dint like it
    and she still deside to go on that trip then i was noticed that she was hagging up with
    male friend taking her hand .and i was quetioning about this and
    she was saying stop nonses ,i realy feel like she cheated on me,i desided to break up with her
    past these 5 years we had soo many ups and downs ,but she never has done like this thing like hagging up with another boys
    and im so sad about that and realy feel like she cheated on me
    ,talking about me i have never ever touched a any women hand ,like i have saved my hale life to her
    but she did this to me ?.. she knows i dont like she going trips with friends becourse this is sri lanka ,women should have
    a good desiplin with dealing with friends . she ask me to joing the trip and i sayied no. then she told me you should had to come
    this would not happen . what is even meaning of that statement, if i married her ,if i wasent there she would take advantages
    and tell me you should be here? that not fair,i desided not to talk to her again never, you are the biggest mistake of my life.

  • Amber P Stallings

    Reply Reply February 6, 2019

    I was dating this girl and we started dating my junior year of high school and she left me this past Christmas. It’s our sophomore year in college. She helped me through the hardest time in my life and I couldn’t imagine getting through it without her. Her parents took me in, in high school when my mom kicked me out and they’ve all been so helpful. I was deeply in love with her and I was under the impression she felt the same. We moved in together got an apartment, the whole thing. Up until the last week before she left me, 2 days before Christmas, she was talking to her parents about us getting married. When I tell you she was the love of my life I still can’t imagine life without her. She was literally my world and I would do anything to get her back. It’s been a month and she doesn’t want to speak to me. She’s moved on and has a boyfriend. She tells him how much she loves him and how terrible it was with me but I checked everyday to see if she was happy and she said yes. I’m going through immense pain and I’m scared I’m going to hurt myself. I have a long history of depression and I’ve already been in the hospital. I just don’t understand how she left me so suddenly and then moved on so quickly. I literally came home from work and all her stuff was gone one day. My biggest fear was rejection and shes made it all come true. I don’t know how to get through this or if I even can. What can I do to make this bearable. My entire heart is broken and hurts so bad.

  • Paarami

    Reply Reply February 6, 2019

    I had an affair with my ex boyfriend for 3 years. We were really doing good. As our ALs started i began to fight with him constantly over other girls. But that was because i was afraid to loose him. He never knew that. Finally he reached out to his ex girlfriend even he was with me at that time. He had told ill about me. I couldn’t imagine that he was with me for nearly 3 years just to make his ex gf jealous. I trusted him even though i didn’t show it much. I shared my personal stuff with him. I wouldn’t have done it if i didn’t trust him! He never appreciated me. I always had to ask and beg for his attention. I got hurt when i realize that he cheated me. I never cheated him because i didn’t want to make him sad. I enjoyed every moment with him. But i realized that i just had an attachment and not love. Attachment is that i love you so i want you to make me happy. But love is i love you so i want you to be happy. If its with me great but if it’s not, iks okay. And I’m okay. When I was involved in our relationship i had an attachment. But now being single i have learned what love is and how to love. No one is perfect. Even me. I had lots of flaws. But i promised my self to correct my mistakes and be a better partner in my next relationship.
    From small days girls play with dolls baby sit them feed them make them sleep play cookery games and watch soo many barbie fantacies. Girls are trained to household work and to fantasies their prince charming. But boys love vehicles car races guns and stuff like that which are totally opposite to girls. Therefore in a relationship girls always tires to settle and build a future together but the boy could not bear those drama maybe beacause he cannot fullfill them or he is not matured. So it is really important to understand this. When someone hurts you understand their situation and don’t try to hurt them back. I never knew how strong i was until i had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry and accept an apology i never received. If you loose your boyfriend because you were honest,he wasn’t a good boy friend. His ex girlfriends pretty face will age his perfect boby will change but my beautiful soul will always be a beautiful soul. Always remember the person you think glowing bright could be burning deep within. I thank god for this experience and i forgive myself for expecting less than i deserve. You are not weak. You are not stupid. Let karma do its job. Good luck!

  • Kris

    Reply Reply February 10, 2019

    I am breaking up after 17 years. I tried to make it work but lack of any sex or consistent effort from him and his onlime addiction told me what I need to know. Its worse we’re still living together but with seperate lives and he now exercises with a lady ‘friend’ 3 times a week. It is absolutely awful and I feel permanently sick and worried about my health. I have to stay to get more money together to move out of the area and sell the house. I am usually good at coping so will try to stay strong and your article has inpired me to think of a happier future with someone who will appreciate me too.

  • Suzanne

    Reply Reply June 16, 2019

    Reading this eases the pain. I am so humbled after a big cry. It’s that peace you feel after you’ve cried so hard you thought you would burst. The kind of cry that takes surrendering to because it’s like something is killing you and you give up the resistance. My spirit is broken. The only life I feel in myself is my involuntary breath and heartbeat. That’s it. It feels like there’s nothing left. My body is withering away from not eating. The only way I function is by the cortisol from the anxiety. I’ve been here many times. Every time gets even more intense. It’s the pattern. The people change but the reflection is always the same. I’m the common denominator. How do I let go? How do I detach? I do I heal? How I do I accept this? How do I move on? How will I ever trust anyone ever again..?

  • Rod

    Reply Reply June 24, 2019

    I had a nasty breakup in 2017 which took me 18 months to recover. I forgot that love when I met a beautiful and clever woman for whom I fell hard. I was her rebound though since she just had dumped her bf because he didn¨t care enough but she was still in love with him.
    4 months down the road she dumped me wanting to be free….probably another guy in the picture,
    So as soon as I overcame the 2017 breakup and found happiness in this new love I have to endure another tough breakup.
    Life sucks right now. Living and going around these days is hell.

  • Mahsa

    Reply Reply June 28, 2019

    Thanks. But for my first relationship, 4 years ago i do all your advices. And after 4 years I’ve been in a relationship this year. My boyfriend left me this week and im feeling all that pain again! so i think it doesn’t work

  • Anon

    Reply Reply September 2, 2019

    I skimmed through your article and it was both startling as well as encouraging for me. Startling as your ex-boyfriend somewhat reminds me of me. Anywho I’d like to share my piece. I’m 21(just turned) and I met a really lovely individual back when I was 18 going on 19 and he was 19 going on 20. We met online, and he wasn’t my type appearance wise but the more I got to know him the more interested I became, I suppose it was a big yet short lived infatuation, even so throughout us being together at the beginning I had small thoughts of how long it would last (we talked about marriage, also we clicked so well) and I remember going into the year after, that I had a conversation with him in the direction of us breaking up so to speak but I felt anxious of how he started to react so I quickly tried to reverse the situation and there had been about 3-4 times doing that throughout the course of our relationship, not because I felt threatened I was just so scared of hurting him. Even though that happened I definitely have to say the good outweighed the bad of our time as a couple, we were a nice team in my opinion, our only weak points were when we both got stubborn during arguments but we were great otherwise, the cutest couple and fast forward to now I decided to put my foot down finally, scared or not and tell him I’m truly sorry but I can’t do this my thoughts and anxieties are getting to me because I’m lying to myself–i don’t know what I really want, and I don’t wanna have regrets and I don’t want you to be the one I divorce later because of that (he’s so very important to me) it is painful and we are basically consoling each other through this process and I hope we can become stronger for ourselves before we think about trying for each other again. It hurts immensely but I have to remind myself there’s more to life than having a partner, yet all I can do is cry when I look at everything, it really feels as if a close relative or friend has died and it hurts Everytime it hits and I’m extremely emotional and vulnerable.

  • KOJO

    Reply Reply November 15, 2019

    2 weeks ago i had to leave my girl of almost 4 years.. her disrespect for me kept on growing.. the last straw was when she answered my call and then placed the phone on the table while i was talking.. it means she didnt want to hear, i talked for minutes then i later realized i was talking to my self.. i got angry and called it off, she had abused me verbally in the past.. all warnings never helped.. i eventually got tired and left her.. this is a woman i had sacrificed soo much for within these 4 years.. i cant forgive my self.. i am soo sad and heart broken even tho i was the one who left her.. yes she did not apologize, she would rather watch the relationship go away instead of just apologizing and doing the right thing.. that was another disrespect .. i am soo devastated and hurt.. i surely will get over this in a couple of months but the problem here is that i still love her, but i just cant be with her,, this is why i am hurting.. what do i do now?

  • End my suffering

    Reply Reply January 3, 2020

    “Yes, you will feel pain taking the thorn out, but then it will be gone forever and once it’s healed, you will feel no pain and will never have to worry about it again.” Can you please help me? With that comparison, I felt like you can fully understand my situation and help me from this pit. I am really wishing you read this.. I’ve experienced the same thing that you were describing in this blog and that is protecting the thorn that keeps giving me pain. I’ve been doing that for 3 years already.. Please I wanna try and live my life now.. Thank you so much for the inspiring blog and I would really love to receive some help..

  • Jeanette

    Reply Reply April 9, 2020

    My name is Jeanette. I am the other woman! Several months ago I became involved with a married man, Carlton. We both decided to divorce our spouses and be together. We fell in love in a beautiful place, the setting was perfect. I have discovered that I do not want to leave my husband, Bill. Bill and I have been married for so many years that he is comfortable to me. Besides, Bill would never cheat on me or hurt me in any manner. I miss Bill. Bill is not in good health and I want to spend our remaining time together. I do not want to hurt Carlton. I appreciate all the time and attention Carlton has shown me but I do not love Carlton. Carlton and I got caught up in this affair. Please help me to know how to tell Carlton I want out of this relationship. I don’t want to talk with Carlton about the problem. I want to end our affair. I am close to my sister, Judy and cannot bring myself to tell even her. Judy and Carlton are best friends. I want Carlton to realize how much he misses his wife and return to her. I know he still loves her. I want a clean break. I want for the breakup to be Carlton’s idea. I will put on a heartbroken act and beg for him to stay with me. But I DO NOT want to stay with Carlton. Help me. Neither of us could ever trust each other since we are both cheaters. Bill wants me back, unconditionally. I know Bill loves me and I want to be with him. I have talked to Bill alot lately. I am sorry Carlton and I hurt people. It was not right for us to hurt others. I will never and could NEVER trust Carlton. I want Carlton to go away. What can I do? Please tell me how to let this be Carlton’s idea, so he saves face. I WANT OUT. I absolutely believe Carlton wishes to return to his wife. I do not know how Carlton’s wife feels about him now and I do not care. Just get him away from me. And I WANT TO GO BACK TO BILL. Help me. I feel terrible guilt for hurting Bill. My heart breaks for Bill. It is my hope Carlton will see one of my postings and get the message before I hate him. Yes, I am a coward! I DO NOT want to discuss this with Carlton, and I DO NOT want my sisterto know. I want Carlton to pick up and go away as fast as he can. I can’t talk to Carlton I will lie and say it is not true. Please help me.I WANT OUT. I do not want Carlton to hurt, but I want out!

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